I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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