I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
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