News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just want to make out with him forever
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
