hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
