you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Even my vagina gasped.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I think a kid would responsible me up
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
