My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I puked a lego.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
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