So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We need to get me chipped asap
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
