Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
