I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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