just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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