You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
