tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
