dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
