Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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