He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Randomize
