I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She told me I should be a condom model.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
