he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
