I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
