gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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