We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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