I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
