you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
