I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
