apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
