I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
