i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
