drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
