Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
