All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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