i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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