I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
