I wish I only lived at night.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
