dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
