We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
