my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
