Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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