When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
