Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
