We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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