End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
