I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We left an ass print on the piano.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
