so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Randomize
