I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
