my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
