What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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