Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
