I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
