On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
