Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
