My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
